|
Ursula Bethellprose |
Secrets of Felicity: Letters of Ursula Bethellselected and introduced by Peter Whiteford Introduction | Contents
To Mary Walker [6] – April 4, [1900] My Parish Perch Private and confidential My dear Mary, I dry up my tears (literally) in order to write the letter you demand. I know I have kept you waiting a shameful long time - but I was partly bothered & partly busy. I do seem to be busy & the days chock full but the result is nothing whatever. Also I knew you were suited with a helper [7] & so no longer in need of a letter of consolation.Inwardly I am at my wits end: the conviction of my pointlessness & uselessness grows on me daily. What is the use of trying to be a parish worker & love your parishioners when you hate your house companions to distraction. I am sure I try to get used to them but its no good, those tiresome untidy feckless old Greyladies [8] irritate me without ceasing. No doubt they are most good & excellent but they are too boring for words. And the untidyness of the house gets more & more annoying & the chapel services instead of helping irritate still more. Of course I know I oughtn't to be thinking of myself but of how sad it is that Miss Yeatman is going etc. So I do & think it is most sad - but I get irritated in spite of not thinking. Then down here things don't grow. How presumptuous I was to offer to do boys. What qualifications have I? none whatever. I can't teach or originate or anything. The parish certainly is wretchedly unorganised - no two bits of work run together - no co-ordination or growth. It makes it very hard. When I began to expound this to my curate, he proceeded to tell me under seal of secrecy that the C. L. B. Captain [9] is going - & if so the C. L. B. may have to be broken up, & he would like me to have all the junior boys & work in a certain amount of drill, etc. This certainly wd. make me feel less superfluous - but I don't believe I ought to undertake it. It is a sort of temptation to further presumption. The other day I went to see The London Deaconesses [10] again & always come away with qualms. Their house is so neat & quiet & their chapel so beautiful. They look so clean & fresh & healthy & are so sure of their methods. I believe I shall have to end up there. I am beginning to think I have not given up enough. I have clung to things too much. I have now my own room which I love, & this little parish room which is a sort of ideal to me & I think they ought to be given up. I expect if I had really knuckled under & not held out for my liberty I should not have this feeling of utter helplessness - They attract me in every way. But then when I think all this I remember that I might hate them as I hate Greyladies & where should I be then. Also should I ever be a good parish worker I do loathe all their dirt & decrepitude so much. And then I remember spring & the country & pictures & music & liberty & wonder whether I could ever settle down to doing without it all. But the training - that surely would make me different. I think the greylady system is perfectly silly & I believe half of them are quite incapable. How wd. an army get on without discipline - they don't learn their job by simply running out to be shot at. But I am frightened by remembering that I cannot stand small disagreeables - how should I stand a long training if I run away from All Saints House. I never go to meals there now the whole place makes me feel so utterly ill. But if I can't stand that should I stand greater hardships. How[ever] I really think the Deaconesses would be clean. My conscience gives me no peace & the heavens seem silent & all I know is that I am miserably incapable & useless. [...] Oh dear I know I am not playing the game but I believe I am only fit to be a looker on & see how badly they do it! What is the use of telling the Lord one is ready to do His will - when one knows perfectly well that if His will were for one to go to Lorrimore Square one couldn't face it. Now I must get something to eat so farewell. Quelle bête de lettre. [11] Yours ever, Macmillan Brown Library. MB 558. C.11.
6. Mary Lily Walker (1863-1913) was a leading social activist in Dundee. A brilliant university scholar, she was attracted to the work of the Dundee Social Union from its foundation in 1888. From May 1898 to May 1899 she was with the Grey Ladies in London, where she met Bethell. Most of Bethell's letters to her are imperfectly dated, and even the sequence is uncertain. However, the context suggests they were all written after Walker returned to Dundee. 7. When she returned to Dundee, Walker revitalised the DSU, which had been struggling to retain voluntary workers. She invited Bethell to join her in her work. Although Bethell was attracted by the suggestion, and did spend some time at Dundee, she made no permanent move to join Mary Walker there. 8. The Grey Ladies, also known as the Women Workers for God, was an Anglican settlement based in London performing a variety of social work. Although not formally a religious order, the women did wear a grey and black religious habit. 9. Church Lads' Brigade - an Anglican movement founded in 1891 by Walter Gee. Its object was 'the advancement of Christ's Kingdom among lads of all classes, the promotion of reverence, discipline, self-respect, and all that tends towards true Christian manliness.' Boys were occupied with drill work, ranks, rifle shooting, marching and gymnastics, and Church attendance was compulsory. Each parochial unit was known as a Company, its officer in charge being known as the Captain. 10. This may refer to the London Diocesan Deaconess Institution, an organisation of lay women working for the church in London, or to a smaller group within that institution, the Deaconess Community of St. Andrew, which was more formally constituted as a religious community. The later remarks about doing away with liberty may indicate the second of these. 10. Fr. 'What a beast of a letter.'
|
|
Comments
|